Not a joke. Most people know this already, but on thursday the 22nd of july I got stabbed in the stomach by a 26-year-old aboriginal man wearing a red jumper and cap. I had been waiting at the station for a train back home after accidentally coming out on thursday instead of friday for a social event, but i never made it back. As i walked down the platform to board the train, i was overtaken from behind and a knife (Later identified to be a “planing knife” by an officer outside my vision as i bled out on the platform) was thrust into my stomach. At first i wasn’t sure exactly what had happened – getting stabbed doesn’t really happen, so even though a knife had just come out of me that was covered in red stuff, it didn’t really click that i’d been stabbed until more blood started coming out of me. At that point its freak-out o’clock on the focket clock, so i started limping down the platform towards what i assume was some security personnel, waving my arms yelling “I’ve been stabbed!”

After that, it was unanimously agreed that since i was probably going to end up on the floor pretty soon anyway, that i should lie down as soon as possible. After that there was a whole lot of fading in and out of consciousness, followed by a trip in the ambulance and finally, mercifully, getting knocked out and cut open by a bunch of doctors. This was followed by a dream sequence involving my family from around Australia, which actually turned out to be real, i was just really drugged out at the time. I had a big ol’ tube down my throat, so after expressing to them that i wanted to write, i did some slurred down-the-page scrawls with little to no legible characters amongst it, after which i gave up and decided that the painkillers had won this time.

Then i spent two weeks in hospital, which was RETARDED so i refuse to even write about it, hospital can lick my balls. Seriously, they wake you up during the night to take your blood pressure. Really? Is that REALLY necessary?

Back at home now, obviously. Starting to eat a little more each day. I managed to eat an entire sausage roll in one sitting today without throwing up, which was a milestone. Still feel consistently like crap, tired, etc. They kind of cut me right down the middle when they were operating on me so all those pesky muscles in the way just got slashed so my chiselled abs are a thing of the past, but i’m alive, which i guess is good. I’m expected to recover fully, my livers kind of missing a chunk so until it grows back i’ve gotta watch myself. Its not like i’m a heavy drinker though so whatever. Plus it gives me credible grounds for getting drunk so fast when i was in fact always like that, so that’ll be handy.

Hmm, so what about now. I’m mostly recovered in that i am experiencing no pain. I am still about 40kg, eating 1/3 of what i used to be able to eat, waking up in the night a lot and can’t stand up straight, but at least nothing hurts. Oh, except sneezing. Fuck sneezing hurts. Like wow.

Hope you’re having more fun than me! I’ll try to get a comic up some time soon.

PS: T-shirt ideas
Getting stabbed: Shady’s promotional tool of choice.
I got stabbed in fortitude valley and all i got was this lousy T-shirt!

  • Map of internal organs, with non-essential areas highlighted in green and labelled “Safe zone: Please stab here”*

And last of all, the one i ACTUALLY plan to print up: I don’t mean to show off, but i’ve been stabbed.